Posts Tagged Comedy

Top 10 Reasons People Go To Church

I am a part of a men’s group that meets weekly. We sort of take turns bringing a short message each week. A good friend, Doug Crum, who is a Pastor at 4th & Elm Church of Christ in Sweetwater, TX, brought this last week. It’s funny and worth your time. Enjoy!

Top 10 Reasons People Go to Church

10. Free babysitting!

9. Everybody’s doing it.

8. Old habits are hard to break.

7. There’s nothing good on Sunday morning TV.

6. Four words: all you can eat (between prayer breakfast, Pot luck dinners & ice cream suppers, going to church is like living on a cruise ship).

5. To show off my new outfit.

4. I want to be a good person.

3. To catch up on the latest gossip.

2. I don’t want to go to hell.

1. God has showered his creation with His unconditional love and I want to respond to that gift by praising Him, learning more about Him, and by surrounding myself with people who will encourage one another in our walk with Him.

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Smartphone User Stereotypes

I thought this was hilarious, despite being an iphone user. I saw it one CNET’s Technically Incorrect, but it was originally on C-Section Comics.

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The Difference Between Men and Women-When are Clothes Dirty?

I don’t know if this will turn into a series or not. It would be a fun series to write, but I don’t really want the pressure of another multi-part topic (I have so many unfinished as it is).

One peculiar difference between the sexes is that men and women have different ideas about when clothes are actually dirty.

For men, if a shirt is worn for an hour or two to a function with no heavy lifting or noticeable spills, clearly it is not. If it is worn a second time for an hour or two to dinner or to church, the question is closer, but the shirt is still good for another wear, right?

Not so for women. I’ll stop short of saying that merely trying on clothes requires a trip to the cleaners for those that didn’t make the cut, but that’s not too far off. I have actually witnessed a wife who shall remain nameless wear a jacket (over a blouse, mind you) to church for about 2 hours and wash it. Puzzling, to say the least.

This is obviously a generalization. I’m sure there are men who are less manly on this issue. If there are women who are moreso, I have never met them.

And clearly I’m biased, but the male perspective (as identified herein) seems far superior. It makes much more sense economically, environmentally, and ecologically. It is also more efficient.

Thoughts?

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Fishing With Moses

Hillarious!

Thanks to Joel who got it here.

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Death of the Salad Bar

I remember growing up and frequently going to restaurants with salad bars. There were a few in town that were known more for their salad bars than the food. Well, yesterday, my wife and I went to the last remaining restaurant in town with a salad bar…or so we thought.

When our server asked, “Are you ready to order?” We, being frequenters of this establishment, naturally answered that we were, and my wife ordered simply the salad bar. To which, our kind server replied, “We don’t have the salad bar anymore.”

“What?” we answered in amazement. The darn thing was so big and prominently featured as you enter the dining hall, how could we have missed it, or missed that it was missing?

And this was no ordinary salad bar, mind you. It was the salad bar most salad bars aspire to be. In addition to the feast of garden produce, there were various and sundry other salads, too: pastas, pea, potato, and many not beginning with “p” as well, such as crab (imitation, of course, but still), broccoli, among others.

And, soup, yes soup. Diners frequently planned their dining experiences around which soup was featured on which day. Chicken & rice on Sundays and chicken and dumplings on Tuesdays (I believe) were my favorites. And it was convenient. You didn’t have to go around to 12 tables shaking hands of all the after-church diners, everyone just met at the salad bar.

But, alas, the salad bar is no longer. It has been replaced with the tables from the party room evacuated to make way for the cocktail lounge. (Sigh!)

And not that we are fans of salad bars, per se. The thought of hundreds of diners breathing, or worse, coughing on and handling the utensils if not the very same food is not at all appealing. In fact, I can’t think of another restaurant we frequent with a salad bar, save for the salad-bar-only restaurants (Jason’s Deli and the like).

But, now that the salad bar is gone, I’m sad. I figure the whole town is in mourning. I guess we can all now have a drink and toast the salad bar. May it rest in peace.

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Ode to Texas

Texas, fight. Texas, fight,
in the title game.
For it is a BCS championship
that you shall claim.
To Colt, Mack, Bevo
and all the rest,
all that is expected
is your very best.
So that when it is all over,
and the stands have cleared,
may it be to Alabama,
the worst they could have feared.
Not because they are unworthy,
or likely cheating again,
but because I’m a selfish fellow,
and I really want UT to WIN!

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5 Christian Buzz Words that Need to be Re-Defined

Following yesterday’s 5 Sources of Bad Theology, I thought I’d mention a few buzz words that we need to re-define. And not so much re-define as just take back. But here goes:

5. Moral/Morality – Despite efforts of organizations like the Moral Majority, the fight for “morality” is a lost cause. Why? Because it labels everything and everyone else “immoral,” or worse yet, “amoral.” And when you do, someone who was moral does something immoral and tries to explain why the immoral act was actually amoral and it’s a great big morality mess. Let the philosophers have it back, and let’s worry about changing hearts rather than changing behavior.

4. Born Again – I know Jesus said it, and I believe it is absolutely necessary, but we Christians should really evaluate whether we are indeed “born again.” Lest we be born again, we cannot enter the kingdom of God, and lest we be born of water and of the Spirit, we cannot. Going to Church doesn’t make you born again. I went to church for years completely ignorant of this, as do many, I’m sure.

3. Believer – I have many friends who are “believers,” but very few of us actually believe the same thing. “She’s a believer, but her husband is not…,” “Is he a believer?,” “Are her parent’s believers?” Sound familiar? “Believer” is not an item on a checklist to be checked off thereby making someone okay and/or acceptable. And what if your believer daughter is dating a believer boyfriend, but he “believes” at a church that belongs to a differently believing denomination. Do you know who, often times, most need ministering? Believers! Why? Because they don’t really believe, or they don’t know what they believe. Believe me!

2. Pray/Prayer/Praying – How often do you hear, “Pray for so-and-so…,” or “You can be in prayer for…,” or “How can we pray about…”? How often do those needs really get prayed for. I think this has become a very clever, religious way of venting, or worse, gossiping. I am a part of a study group that has determined not to let real prayer requests/needs go idly by. If you ask any of us for prayer, you’re getting it. Right then. Right there. Be it on the phone, in the grocery store, at the ball game, or wherever. Plus, I’m forgetful, so I have to do it right then or it won’t get done.

1. Evangelicals – Can I be perfectly honest? “Evangelicals” who evangelize everything and anything but the gospel really bug me. If you evangelize a political cause, you are political, not evangelical. If you evangelize a political cause and mask it as a religious one, you are clever, but still political. If you evanglize yourself (other than to promote your own little Bible blog), you should be ex-communicated. Why the “Moral Born Again Believers for Life” should take a stance on interstate highway funding is beyond me. But, it does suggest that they might be mildly more political than evangelical. So, let’s leave the “evangelical” stuff to those who actually preach the gospel, shall we?.

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5 Sources of Bad Theology

My readers know I do my best to bring the body of Christ together rather than to divide it, but there are still sources within the body of which we need to beware and be aware. Like where we develop our theology, doctrine, and overall belief system. Might I just suggest “5 Sources of Bad Theology”:

5. Television – I don’t mean TV preachers (although that is certainly a potential source, but, on the whole, they’re not bad), I mean television that is loosely about Christianity. And I love it. I watch the History and History International channels almost religously, but I rarely make it through a program without hearing a narrator say something like, “…as Christians believe.” No wonder people think we’re nuts.

4. Bumper Stickers – Stuff like “My boss is a Jewish Carpenter” always makes me chuckle. Really? Mine isn’t. My Lord and Savior might have been a carpenter or mason, but I don’t think we know that for sure. His earthly step-dad was, but I think it is pretty clear from scripture that Jesus was a rabbi. Now He’s our High Priest and a whole host of other really cool labels, but not “Carpenter.” How about this one, “The Best Vitamin for Christians is B1″? Shouldn’t that be the prescription for “non-Christians”?

3. T-shirts – see above.

2. Blogs – Gotcha! I don’t mean our blogs of course, I mean bloggers who set up straw-man Christian positions to argue against. A loving God wouldn’t do this, this contradicts that, yada, yada, yada. You know what I mean. And shame on us Christians for taking the bait. Arguing to disprove a lie is not the same as arguing from truth.

1. Christian Music – Now, admittedly, I listen. Our church’s worship service is contemporary, and I thoroughly enjoy it and approve of it. But, I don’t think I would trust my child’s Christian education to many contemporary Christian lyricists. I won’t offend by direct quotation, but I’m sure you know what I mean.

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A Lawyer Dies and Goes to Heaven Joke

A friend of mine from church emailed me this, and I just had to share:

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. “This must be a mistake,” he says to St. Peter. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 50.”

St. Peter say raising and eyebrow, “Fifty? According to our calculations, you’re 82.”

“How’d you get that?” The Lawyer asked.

“We added up your billable hours.”

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Oh Crap! That was Funny!

The worship pastor at our church (who also happens to be accompanying my wife on her mission trip to Brazil) emailed this to my wife today regarding their full calendars, and I thought it was funny enough to share:

Oh CrapI hope REGAN will forgive any copyright infringement. If he would like, he can have all of the profits I’ve made off of this post.

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